My quest for simplification stems from the internal voice that is always in my head. I'm kind of an overachiever. I'm also kind of hard on myself. I get ideas into my head about what I should do, and then I stick to them or feel guilty. I also have a tendency to goGoGO and try to do a million things at once. This makes me incredibly productive, but also makes me incredibly mentally stressed out. At night, when I am packing my gym back, packing my lunch, helping with dinner clean up, checking my e-mail, brushing my teeth, cleaning off the table, gathering up my library books to return, feeding the cat...well, I forget to breathe. All I want to do is sit and relax because my days are long, but I literally CANNOT STOP. Every time I sit to enjoy Community (or whatever), I'm up at every commercial because I feel compelled to DO the thing I remembered I needed (wanted?) to do. The thinking goes like this: "Well, if I just get up and get it done, then it'll all be done and I can relax." But I'm never relaxed because there's always something else to do and hell, this is life. It's never all done!
So, one of my goals for simplification? Do one thing at a time, and change the words the voice is saying. Instead of "Don't forget this and this and this...Get this done, you're not done yet, can't relax til you finish everything!" I want the voice to say, "Dude, relax. You can brush your teeth later. Enjoy the show right now...and only the show."
So, back to the issue of being hard on myself. This morning, I went for a run. I do this a few days a week on my way to work, which I've mentioned before. I have no passion for running (I don't get a "runner's high" or go to that Zen place where my legs just move and my mind empties and I can fly), but I like to feel healthy and I recognize that I am naturally someone who enjoys being at rest, so I overcome my natural state and pound the pavement a few mornings a week. But this morning, I just felt slow. I shoot for 4 miles in the morning, but this morning, I decided to do 3.5 instead. You might be thinking, "Well, no biggie..." but when you have a tendency toward rigid thinking, 3.5 is VERY DIFFERENT from 4. It's not really quantitative. I had to do with my expectations for myself.
Today, though, I decided to give myself a break. "Cool," I said to my body. "You're having kind of a hard time getting started. Just do 3.5. That's legit." My body thanked me. It also told me that it wanted to walk a bit today. My automatic thinking went like this, "But if you walk, it's not really a run, now, is it?" Today, we examined that a little and I gave myself a second break. "Walk if you walk, body. Thanks for moving me around this morning. You did some good running. Interval training is helpful, too!" So we took walk breaks.
This might sound like I'm a little obsessive (I am). I also fear that it sounds lazy. But hey, my exercise is about me, and not about what something thinks of me. So I'm trying to be kind to myself and just get over it.
Tiny steps, huh?
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